Dr. Perry is a poineer neuroscientist in trauma. He outlines the 3 R’s to help children learn, think, and grow. The  basic need is regulation. When a child is in state of fear or high anxiety, our goal as trauma informed  parents should be to work toward regulation first. This is the work of a region of our brain called the diencephalon. This part of the brain acts as a relay station to process the sensory input into our brain as well as to engage the autonomic processes of your body (which regulates involuntary processes such as breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure).  It is crucial to help co-regulate your child by being calm with few words when you observe fear or emotion sinking into your child. This is the point that your regulation as a parent can either result in dysregulation or regulation for your child. They key for your response as a parent is to few words and to have a calm, reassuring presence with your child. Your child may need some processing time or a safe place to go. The worst thing you can do in this point is to express disapproval, lecture, nag, or raise your voice when a child needs to regulate. This will only keep fear alive in your child, and their amygdala the quick and reactive emotional part of their brain activated (the amygdala).

Trauma-informed parents become intently attuned to the regulation needs of their child. The “flight, fight, freeze” response is a survival response which is activated when a child interprets the sensory input from becoming too overwhelming or threatening. Just as the sensory input can cause dysregulation; it can also help with regulation. Helping your child regulate their sensory output with music, dance, touch, play and movement, food, rest, quiet spaces are all wonderful proactive tools to help maintain balance and internal regulation for the traumatized child. Also, don’t try to reason with your child, lecture your child, or discuss their behaviors if your foster child is not “regulated” as your child will certainly not be able to be rational or reason with you. Therefore, our primary goal as a trauma-informed parents is always keep perceived safety in mind to aim for regulation.

The second R outlined by Dr. Perry is Relate. . Once a child is regulated, we want to try to help our child feel connected to us in all our interactions, especially when they are dysregulated.. This is the process of attunement where we connect and relate to our children on an emotional level. Attuned trauma-informed parents are great listeners to their child. They are seek to always show empathy, especially at the point of dysregulation. Trauma-informed parents become aware of their own body language, their voice volume, and their tone, especially when having difficult discussions with their child. It is being in sync with the needs, feelings of your child and being aware of our own interfering behaviors that may disrupt the needs, feelings, and behaviors of our children. Dr. Perry outlines that the “Relate” need is where the limbic system is at work. The limbic system is the part of the brain that processes emotions. One way to relate is to acknowledge the feeling of your child. It is also good for you to reassure your foster child that you support them and are present with them. Using reflective statements such as,  “This must be hard for you. I am here for you”.

This “relate” need can be difficulty for some children with a history of rejection and abandonment. Although they need connection and relationship, your child may push away from you (at least at first). I can’t tell you the number of times my foster children pushed me away and told me that they did not want me in their life, especially in the early days of placement. Although they pushed me away at first, they desperately wanted and needed to be loved. This push and pull in the relationship were the only way to begin to learn to trust. So, please don’t lose hope when your kids may not want to connect with you. Over the long run, it is hoped that they will eventually accept your efforts to connect with you.

The last R is “Reason”. We can only reason as a child is able to regulate and relate. The problem is parents sometimes go straight to the reason at the point of dysregulation, and this will backfire for you. This is the stage that your child learns to solve problems. However, remember, this can only occur as your child is regulated and connected with you first. 

This is the work of the cortex part of your brain. The frontal cortex of our brain also helps us to be able to be social and relate to others. In addition, this part of the brain impacts our ability to make choices and understand consequences. It also puts a damper on impulsivity. Disinhibition is the ability to stop an impulse, and this is the work of the frontal cortex. The frontal cortex also helps us to plan, make goals, and organize. Remember, if you want your child to do these things, they must be regulated and connected to you first. If regulation or connection is off mark, so will their reasoning and judgement. So fear short circuits the frong lobe. When the limbic system of the brain is on high alert, thinking is out the door! So, we move from the brain stem to the limbic system, to the cortex. Or said another way, we move from regulation, to relating to reasoning. We cannot expect our child to reason if they are not regulated and connected to you.

We know that trauma can affect a child’s ability to understand cause and effect relationships. Think about how a young child learn through healthy attachment. I have a need, it is met! I am struggling and there is someone to comfort me. We cannot expect a child to learn how to self-regulate themselves until first they experience getting their needs met consistently from a caregiver. A child then needs to learn to coregulate with an adult before expected to self-regulate. However, trauma experiences cause the limbic system to be on alert all the time. This causes the frontal lobe which is responsible for cause and effect to be temporarily short circuited. However, when this happens repeatedly, their front lobes do not develop as quickly. Therefore, we may not be able to expect our child to understand basic cause and effect thinking if they have been victims of ongoing toxic stress! If you want your child to understand how their actions impact others, they must experience healthy forms of coregulation of their needs and attachment with infrequent limbic system activation.

Now, take a moment to reflect how you respond when your foster child says, “F—you!” due to fear/anxiety. Do you provide a calm, reassuring presence? Do you identify with their hurt and provide reassurance to your child to help your child to get to the “reason” stage? If you struggle with this, you are not alone. I struggle with this as well. Obviously, you need to address the behavior, but it is best to address the behavior when your child is actually able to think and in the frontal lobe of their brain. If we show immediate signs of disapproval and tell your child the consequences for being disrespectful, it will only keep your child in the reactive, fear-driven limbic system of their brain. There is hope for you to change your behavior knowing how the brain of your traumatized child works. 

It is important for trauma-informed parents to understand that the result of broken attachment is dysregulation. If a young child has a significant attachment that has been broken (i.e.- be removed from biological father/mother or caretaker, abuse, etc.), it results in dysregulation. A child learns how to self-regulate only when he/she has a significant, healthy attachment person. Therefore, we can expect a child who has a history of neglect, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse to struggle with the ability to regulate themselves quickly and efficiently.

A child learns how to self-regulate themselves after a healthy attachment person in their lives can help them co-regulate. If you or another significant caretaker in the child’s life showed signs of dysregulation (signs of disapproval, yelling, lecturing, or dismissiveness) at the point of your child’s dysregulation, your child will likely struggle to be able to self-regulate. All in all, the way we respond to a child in a meltdown is to start with empathy to get a child calm and able to think, and then process with your child and do re-do’s and discuss options to focus on the “teachable moments” once your child is calm. The timing of this type of teachable moment or “re-do” does matter!

Resource:

Perry, BP, Winphrey O. (2021). What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Macmillan.