Nothing hurts more than the effects of a collapse in a relationship. Hurtful words, conflict and anger, and distancing behaviors are inevitable and can have lasting impact upon child and parent. A rupture in a relationship will have effects on the physical and emotional development of you and your child. We know that stress of a shattered connection can weaken the immune system, alter cardiovascular function, and impact hormone levels. In addition, conflict and broken relationships can drastically alter the limbic system of the brain, which is the command system of emotion (Lewis et al. 2001). We know that rupture can result in the dysregulation of the body and emotions; however, the wonderful news is that wherever there is a rupture, there is an opportunity for a repair. The repair will help to recalibrate the limbic systems of all involved and restores order and harmony.

Some of us grew up in an environment where there were a lot of ruptures but limited repairs between parent and child. However, it’s critical for foster parents to repair the hurts in their relationships with the children in their care. When a rupture occurs, sometimes we turn away from each other instead of turning toward each other, but this only leads to resentment. On the other hand, a rupture-repair relationship seeks to address ruptures and make amends. A rupture-resentment relationship occurs if we don’t seek to repair what is damaged.

Some extraordinarily beautiful things can come after a rupture that would never have occurred without the rupture. But it takes a lot of work and humility on your part. Intimacy is built when a rupture is followed by repair. We may not be able to prevent the rupture, but we can surely repair it.

Redemption can come from a broken relationship. It is out of the brokenness that we get to see new hope, fresh intimacy, and redemption. Beauty can come from brokenness! 

If repair doesn’t happen, it leads to distance and a lack of connection in your relationship with your foster/adoptive child. It also subtly communicates a message to your foster son/daughter that you don’t care about the relationship enough to try to mend it. Working toward repair can be difficult and vulnerable, but it is so worth it! M. Scott Peck says that intimacy only comes through the tunnel of chaos and conflict (Peck, 1998). Relationships cannot happen without conflict. Conflict isn’t fun, but the most important part of the conflict is the ability to make amends and repair. When done correctly, it can be very rewarding.

Ruptures between children and parents are inevitable, especially between foster/adoptive children and their foster/adoptive parents. However, when they happen, we have a choice. One option is to avoid it and not talk about it. We may think this is a safer approach. However, intimacy cannot occur in this situation. A second option is to focus on your child’s behavior without taking responsibility for your own behavior. Unfortunately, this is what I tend to do when I’m frustrated with my children’s behavior. However, you do not want to model such behavior. The third and best option is to apologize and to engage in behaviors and words that help repair the damage. We may not be able to prevent the rupture, but we can certainly repair it.

            Stay tuned for Dr. Adams' book on Trauma-Informed Foster and Adoptive Parenting.

Lewis, T, Amini, F, & Lannon, R. (2001). A General Theory of Love. Vintage

           Publishing.