There is a field of psychology called interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB). One premise of IPNB revolves around how trauma affects the brain and how positive relationships and connections can help rewire the “trauma brain”.  In working with a child with a history of trauma, traditional disciplinary practices may not always be effective. 

Behavioral research and applied behavior analysis outlines there are three ways to change behavior: Antecedent strategies (proactive strategies to avoid behavior from occurring), Reactive strategies (how we respond to a behavior) , and teaching strategies (teaching your child a new skill to use to meet their need). Often times, parents resort to using reactive strategies to change behavior, including punishment. Unfortunately, research shows that using reactive strategies such as punishment tend to be the least effective strategy to change behavior, especially with children with trauma histories.

In this article, I do want to focus on a reactive strategy, even though they should not be our primary way to help change behavior. I used to think that it was always best to do the “teachable moment” right in the midst of the behavior. In a sense, it is! However, our response in the moment needs to change if your child is in the limbic system of their brain. The limbic system of the brain is that part of the brain that the “flight, fight, freeze” response initiates. In other words, the limbic system is that part of brain that deals with fear. If a child is in a state of high emotion such as fear or anger, their limbic system is likely fully activated. Unfortunately, when the limbic system is activated, it short circuits the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex). The limbic system is quick and reactive; however, the thinking brain is much slower and can not operate when the limbic system is fully activated. So what does all this mean? It means that if your child is having a meltdown, and you attempt to lecture your child or engage in rational discourse to your child, it will not be heard. It means that if you tell your child, “That is not okay!” with a loud voice when your child is deep in fear or overwhelmed in angry, this likely will not be able to be processed by your child. So, our initial response, when a meltdown occurs is to be soft-spoken, listen, and show empathy. If you say firmly,   “Because of your behavior, you lose your cell phone for the rest of the day!”. Do you think that will be helpful or hurtful in the moment?  That likely will only keep the child in their limbic system of the brain. Yes, you may have to put down a consequence afterwards, but the timing of when you do this is critical! Showing empathy as your child is cussing at your or engaging in maladaptive behaviors seems difficult and counterintuitive, right? You can then let your child know the consequence (if needed) when your child is regulated and in their prefrontal lobe of their brain.

As parents, it is important to remember that your must be calm and alert for he/she to process their behaviors and learn from their mistakes. Therefore, our first step is to try to gather information, be aware of your nonverbals, and to show empathy. Now, that seems difficult as you may think you do not want to reinforce the behavior; however, this is all about interpersonal neurobiology and behavior analysis. Once you child begins to calm down, you can slowly start to discuss with your child options and help them do “re-do’s”. A "re-do" is a great way to help your child practice how to communicate their frustrations with their words in appropriate ways. This is also known as a teaching strategy. So the key is to show empathy first to help your child move from their limbic system to their prefrontal cortex. Once your child is calm, relaxed, and alert, you can then help your child process their behaviors.